The Art of Communicating by Hanh Thich Nhat

Author:Hanh, Thich Nhat [Hanh, Thich Nhat]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Self Help, Spirituality, Psychology, Philosophy, Religion
ISBN: 9780062224682
Goodreads: 17331360
Publisher: HarperOne
Published: 2013-08-13T07:00:00+00:00

We can use these six mantras to make a close relationship stronger. My friend Elizabeth recently shared several ways in which she has used the mantras. Her sister is one year older than she is. They were always together growing up, but over the years and especially as they grew into young adults, Elizabeth had gotten in the habit of lecturing her sister a little and telling her what to do. As you can imagine, sometimes her sister had strong reactions.

With the practice of mindfulness, Elizabeth said, she became more aware of what she was saying, and she realized the importance of changing that habit. When she visited her sister, she started practicing her version of the second mantra, saying: “I’m really happy that you’re here.” She got in touch with, and expressed, a heartfelt appreciation of her sister’s presence in her life, and of the fact that her sister was doing the best she could.

Elizabeth also used the mantras in her marriage. In the beginning, whenever her husband said something that really hurt her, she immediately had the desire to punish. She tried instead slowly going to him and using her version of the fourth mantra, asking him, “You said this thing to me that I really don’t understand. What was that about?” He would share, and most times, she discovered that his remark was nothing about her really. It was often something else entirely that was going on. The mantra “opened up a door” for her “to see what was happening in his world.”

Sometimes, Elizabeth would say something to her husband, and he’d have a strong reaction, and she’d react to his reaction. Eventually she learned to instead practice the third mantra—“I know you suffer; that’s why I’m here for you”—by asking him, “Was it something I said? I really want to understand what happened. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to say or do things that are hurtful. If you let me know, I can understand how the things I say affect you.”

She also told me about one particular time during her stay in Plum Village. She was in the courtyard garden, harvesting the petals of rose blossoms that were just beginning to droop, to use for tea. A gardener came along and scolded Elizabeth for taking away flowers that were growing there for everyone to enjoy in the courtyard. Elizabeth said, “I’m not taking the fresh ones, only the fading ones.” But the gardener was not appeased. Elizabeth went to ask the advice of one of our nuns who she knew could help her understand. The sister shared with her that lately some other people had been picking flowers from the garden for their own use, and the gardener had a sensitivity about that. “Elizabeth,” the sister said, “you just bumped into his sensitivity.” After she heard that, Elizabeth was able to go to the gardener and practice the third mantra. She said, “I understand the situation better now, and I won’t touch the flowers in the courtyard if you prefer.

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